Ghana 340,453,681 - USA 1

The U.S. National Team is out of the World Cup, having been eliminated by Ghana. Did Ghana really score 340,453,681 goals? No, but it felt like it. Did the U.S. really only score one effing goal? Sure did!

One goal.

IN THE ENTIRE EFFING TOURNAMENT. The Italian own-goal in the 1-1 draw doesn't count.

Those A-holes deserved a first round exit. What makes this especially painful is that Italy did their part by defeating the Czechs, thereby opening the door for the U.S. to advance. (For those who don't follow World Cup, the first round is composed of 8 groups of 4 teams. You only play the teams in your group in the first round and are awarded 0 points for a loss, 1 point for a draw, and 3 points for a win. The two teams with the most points in each group advance to the next round, while the teams with the fewest points in each group go back to warfare, strife, and poverty - and I'm not just talking about the U.S. players from Detroit).

Depending on which U.S. team showed up, we had a fantastic opportunity to play Brazil in the Round of 16. But did we get that far? Why, no. In fact, we played like that Billings JV squad after the Dorritos and Ritalin bender.

And now the U.S. is on a flight home, where they will receive not ovations, tickertape parades, and free drinks but rather the mockery and asskicking they so richly deserve by the U.S. soccer fans.

All five of us.