The Real Reason Behind the NSA's Data Collection

The following transcript of a closed session of Congress was found in a dumpster behind the Capitol. The exchange is between Rep. Jim Hilgus, R - Alabama, and Trout.

Congressperson: Mr. Trout, you’ve been called before this committee today because the NSA has detected a strange pattern to your telephone calls. As I’m sure you’re aware, the NSA did not record or transcribe the telephone calls of American citizens; they simply documented the times, dates, and durations of calls.

Trout: I’m aware of that, Congressperson.

Congressperson: Now, like I said, in the course of examining the phone records of millions of Americans, the NSA found a pattern in your calls that suggests consistent contact with another individual. Can you tell us anything about that?

Trout: Yes, Congressperson. I call my girlfriend almost every night, right around 9:00 Mountain.

Congressperson: Now, this girlfriend [the Congressperson has used finger quotes when saying girlfriend – ed.] . . .

Trout: Kathryn.

Congressperson: Right. Kathryn. Am I to understand she works in Denver?

Trout: That’s correct, Congressperson.

Congressperson: And you live in the 7200, about 150 miles away?

Trout: That’s right.

Congressperson: And what does this Kathryn person do?

Trout: She works at a non-profit, Congressperson. Is there a point here?

Congressperson: I’m getting there, son. So Kathryn works at a non-profit? That sounds rather leftist to me. Would you consider it a leftist organization?

Trout: I would not.

Congressperson: You wouldn’t?

Trout: I would not. I’d consider it an organization dedicated to helping inner city kids, with little or no political agenda.

Congressperson: Uh huh. Sounds leftist to me. Do they hand out food stamps and punish kids who pray?

Trout: I don’t know, Congressperson.

Congressperson: Okay, we’ve established that you contact a leftist almost every night at a predetermined time. I think everyone in this room has a right to know what you discuss.

Trout: Kathryn and I talk about how our days went.

Congressperson: And?

Trout: And that’s about it. Sometimes we tell funny stories.

Congressperson: Funny stories. Like how you’re going to mastermind another terrorist attack?

Trout: More like, how my ass becomes a water knife after I eat Ethiopian food.

Congressperson: I see. What other sorts of things do you discuss?

Trout: Well, sometimes we talk about our families.

Congressperson: And?

Trout: And that’s about it.

Congressperson: I find that hard to believe. Here you are, a strapping young man, and you have a girlfriend… come on, Mr. Trout, surely there are some details you’re leaving out.

Trout: I, uh, I’m not sure this committee really needs to hear those details.

Congressperson: Does Kathryn ever discuss things of a sexual nature with you?

Trout: I’m really not at liberty to say.

Congressperson: Mr. Trout, this committee is charged with finding out whether or not you’re a threat to the American people. Now, for the sake of national security, kindly tell us the details of those discussions.

Trout: Congressperson, that is simply none of your business.

Congressperson: National security, son. Now, does Kathryn ever ask you what you’re wearing?

Trout: No, Congressperson, she does not.

Congressperson: Does she ever ask you to take off your shirt?

Trout: No, Congressperson, she does not.

Congressperson: So she never asks you to rub butter all over your stocky, thick, manly frame?

Trout: No, Congressperson, she does not.

Congressperson: And she never asks you to do pushups so she can imagine your rippling biceps and meaty pectorals pulsating with a primal rhythm?

Trout: Congressperson, this line of questioning is making me uncomfortable…

Congressperson: . . . And she never asks you to press your hard and firm body against hers so she can smell your manly scent …

Trout: I plead the fifth.

Congressperson: . . . and in your wild embrace she senses your burning manly loins, eager to sate and be satiated by an older, more mature man than yourself . . .

Trout: What?

Congressperson: Nothing. I, uh, nothing.

Trout: Are we done here?

Congressperson: Yes, yes. Certainly. Mr. Trout, on behalf of this committee and the American people, I thank you for your time and candor today. I’m confident that you and Kathryn are fine upstanding Americans and will lead happy lives together. Thanks again.